My son needed a red scarf for his snowman outfit for the Christmas play at school, so I finished work and drove into town. I saw what I wanted in the window of the Boots store, so I headed in. As I got to the checkout, I started to feel very strange, a bit ‘out of body’, but I continued and paid for my purchases, and was aware that the lady behind the till was looking at me rather strangely. As I walked away, the shop went quiet and the lights went bright, and all I could hear was the beating of my own heart. I stopped, then realised that I was having trouble breathing, it was as if I had forgotten how to do it! I tried to walk again and somehow managed to get out of the shop. Panic kicked in, and as a nurse, I began to go through many scenarios as to what was happening to me. My body was like lead, my hands were numb, and I couldn’t breathe, but I couldn’t be ill in front of anyone. I had to get to the car, so I kept moving, paid for my ticket and got into the car. I felt awful, icy cold and scared and was struggling not to cry and panic. I put the car in reverse and smashed it into the barrier (I had reversed into the space, so I needed to go forward). Jolted into reality, and with a huge adrenaline surge, I went forward and drove out of the car park and headed home. I do not remember this drive, but as I approached home, a kind of self-preservation kicked in, and instead of going straight home, I drove to the GP surgery. I now know, by the way, that if you want to get seen quickly at the GP, turn up looking like you're going to die!
 

The receptionist flew out from behind her glass fishbowl as I fell through the door, and I was ushered into a consulting room. My lovely GP and friend was amazing, trying to get me to talk and did blood pressure, etc. Finally, I was able to explain the state I was in, and he began to calm me down and reassure me that I was not going to die right then, but had, in fact, had the mother of all panic attacks. My blood pressure was usually so low, but it was through the roof, and my poor heart was going like the clappers. He knelt in front of me and said, “Jayne, you know what this is, it’s stress, it’s the job, and it’s only a job, it’s not worth your life”!
 

I didn't know it at the time, but I was experiencing the effects of Compassion Fatigue. My job as a clinical Nurse specialist was incredibly challenging, and no one would have been able to do what I expected of myself without suffering. I took time off, had counselling and then changed jobs. Still, this experience stayed with me and when 6 years ago I was given the chance to write and deliver courses that enable people to understand what stress and vicarious trauma does I walked away from my frontline role and set up EF training in the hope that following our training, no one ever has to experience what I went through that day.